Sunday, 7 February 2010

Body Image – men versus women

My husband (god love him) gets up in the morning, stands in front of the mirror, sucks in his stomach, puts his arms in a bodybuilder pose and says “My god, I’m handsome”. Not to me or anyone else, but to himself.

I get up in the morning, look at myself in the mirror and immediately notice all my faults, reciting them in my head as my eyes travel down my reflection.

Which one of us is going to start the day in the right frame of mind?

It’s not about being self centred. It’s about being kind to yourself and focusing on the positive. Do you think I speak nicely to myself when I’m taking in all my bad points? Of course not. If anyone else spoke to me in that tone I’d either be very hurt or I’d tell them where to go. And yet, we mentally beat ourselves up all the time for not being good enough, not being smart enough, not being thin enough…

My son has recently taken up rock climbing at the indoor centre in Ratho and during one of his first classes I bumped into an old boss of mine whose son, it turned out, was also climbing. I happened to mention that I fancied a shot myself, and my boss volunteered to meet me the following week and teach me the ropes so to speak.

So I duly turned up and got myself kitted out with shoes, harness etc. It was only on the walk down to the arena that it struck me. Not only was my boss going to have to hold my weight on the end of the rope (no mean feat) but he would also be seeing me from a completely different angle than he had ever seen me before.

Bridget Jones sliding down the fireman’s pole came into mind.

Oh my god! Had it occurred to him that he was about to study my posterior from angles you would only expect to see in the most intimate of situations? It didn’t seem to have registered with him as he quite matter-of-factly got down to demonstrating how to tie the knots and got me climbing the first few feet of the wall. Or if it did he was gentleman enough not to mention it. Nor did I hear him grunt when he took my weight on the abseil.

Yes, men definitely look at things differently from us.

Take showering for example.

How to shower like a woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
3. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
4. Complain about getting fat.
5. Get in shower.
6. Look for facecloth, body cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
7. Wash hair once with cucumber and avocado shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Wash hair again with cucumber and avocado shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
9. Condition hair with cucumber and avocado conditioner with enhanced natural orange-blossom oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
10. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
11. Wash rest of body with ginger-nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
12. Rinse hair, taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that conditioner is all off.
13. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
14. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and goes red hot.
15. Turn off shower.
16. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.
17. Spray mould spots with Exit Mould.
18. Get out of shower.
19. Dry with towel the size of small African country.
20. Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
21. Check entire body for remotest signs of spots. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
22. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown. Spend one hour and a half getting dressed.

How to shower like a man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If wife seen along the way, shake penis at her, making the “woo-woo” sound.
3. Look at manly physique and suck in gut. Admire size of penis and scratch butt.
4. Get in shower.
5. Don’t bother to look for washcloth.
6. Wash face.
7. Wash armpits.
8. Blow nose in hands, then let water rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud farts sound in shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash butt, leaving butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo hair. (Do not use conditioner.)
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at self in mirror again.
15. Pee in shower, aiming for the drainage hole.
16. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain hanging out of tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look in mirror. Flex muscles. Admire penis size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open, wet bathmat on floor, fan and light on.
20. Return to bedroom with towel round waist. Pull off towel, shake penis at wife, go “Yeah, baby,” and thrust pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on bed. Put on yesterday’s clothes.

I rest my case!

Anyway, I caught the bug, took a climbing course and am now licensed to view my boss's posterior from any angle. Retribution.

I'm also hoping that the exercise will take my bum from


(How to shower… extracted from Why Men Want Sex & Women Need Love)

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